Tag: life

You don’t know who I am, but I know who you are. I know your thoughts, secrets, and fears you hid from everyone. I know what you have done.

Don’t go running away just yet. I am here to talk, not to scold you. I just wanted to let you know it’s not your fault, the way others treated you, the way things fell apart, and the results you received.

If I recall correctly, in your classroom of about fifty students, a girl was sitting next to you. You liked her quite a lot. She had naturally dark brown hair that fell to her shoulders, unlike most of her black-haired peers. She was chubby and had a sharp end to her eyes. She wore gym clothes, a pink and black nylon jacket, all the time, and hid an earphone connected to an iPod beneath her long hair. She was only slightly shorter than you were, which was quite tall for most girls in your school. She had a lot of boys who knew her, did things in her own way, and did not feel sorry for herself, regardless of what others told her. She was quiet and melodic in person, but loud and bold in writing. She was slow to move, but her world within her mind moved at magnificent speed.

During the time you sat next to her, you had the time to get to know her well. Your interest in her grew as she shared with you her fascination with everything that has to do with English, the US hardcore rock music, and the fad anti-cultural movement. A few things I remember about her: a note in English shared among you, her, and two other boys, forming a group of music connoisseurs, rebelling against the society that you didn’t even know about; her printing out pages of helpful information in English about a dark religion from the internet asking you and the other two boys to join her; her scribbling the word “suicide” on her left inner forearm with a cutter knife. Life and death were at play in forming this relationship.

I will be honest. I think you were obsessed with her. I am sorry to be curt, but at this moment, I believe it’s better to state things as they are. The reason I say this is because you felt physically hurt to see an empty text message inbox after sending her a text hours ago. You gifted her a melted chocolate via another person on Valentine’s Day, which happened to coincide with your graduation date. Even she knew about it and asked if you had asked to deliver that chocolate to you. I remember you staring at the moon and asking for your soul to be released from the grasp of her alluring smile. The reason I am stating this outright, even as I cringe at how sentimental it sounds, is that I want you to feel okay.

I would say it is okay to acknowledge that you feel attracted to her. Human beings are naturally attracted to each other based on the biological and psychological characteristics of each other. Accepting that this is a natural phenomenon, much like hunger when you don’t eat or the urge to urinate after drinking a lot of water, might help you understand this mechanism. Yes, it can be unfortunate when only one person likes the other, but you can still be friends even when you feel an attraction to that person. If the other person is mature enough, you could let them know you are attracted to them, and still ask to maintain the friendship. If the other person takes advantage of that fact, it is unfortunate. In which case, you can move on. Letting another person know that you liked them might be helpful for you, as it allows you to be honest with yourself. Hiding it and suffering alone appears not to be the solution, from my experience so far.

I think you’ve been feeling quite alone because you haven’t had good friends at school for a while. You wanted to be around people who were like you. You wanted to be liked and accepted among your peers. You liked pleasure and wanted to cling to the intoxicating feeling of being respected and marveled by your peers. You wanted to be accepted unconditionally. She was good at pointing out your strengths and made you feel valued. But when it started to fade away because you didn’t focus on your coursework, you began to feel rejected by your peers. You could see that they were already organized, knew what they were after, and constructively created their path towards their future. Additional coursework they took, extracurricular activities they participated in, and study materials from specialized tutors reeked of classism. You grew jealous and resentful of the elites, even though you were one of them. You lamented and vowed to fight against the iron sky, above which the gifted danced and laughed. But I must ask you, isn’t your anger misplaced?

I can imagine an alternative scenario laid out for you. I can imagine you focusing on lifting weights, reading philosophy and fiction books that really interested you, and writing religiously could have built a fountain of joy within you. I can imagine that building your own world from yourself would have created enough space for others to join you in your journey. Instead of chasing after them and criticizing them for not measuring up to your expectations, you could build the kind of world that you wanted to live in. Instead of resisting what is already at play, you can find new opportunities and be creative. Focus your sight on the light, less on the dark abyss.

I understand how she could have been so alluring to you. She shared with you her story about her family secrets at the West sea, the philosophy training in the mountain, and her mother. You felt like she valued you when she shared her existential questions about the meaning of life on Earth, her taste in heavy metal music, and the chaotic yet beautiful world within her mind. She might have shown an interest in you because you had just returned from another world, and you, too, were seeing the world in your own unique way, which not many people were viewing at the time. And she might be right. I also think that you had a unique perspective that many people didn’t understand at the time.

Having lived this far, meeting people of various walks of life, and having thought a little bit, here’s my take: thank her. Thank her for her kindness and her understanding. Thank her also for the suffering she inflicted on your soul because you were magnetically attracted to her beauty. The suffering I endured then helped me mature and build stamina to be there when someone (i.e., one of my ex-girlfriends) needed me. It helped me have a compassionate heart and see the other person who is suffering. I was able to control myself better (well, at least not worse) when I met another person like her. Thank her for making your life more fragrant, colorful, and exciting. The girl you met has since married another person (I’m sorry to say), but she gave you a chance when you were dating someone else. She has become a different person, at least the last time I met her. I suspect that the part of her you used to know is still there. Thank her for the moment she shared with you.

I know I have been just talking from my side. You might say: “Old man, don’t tell me what to do. I know what I am doing, I hate your gut, and I am going to change my future so that I don’t become someone like you.” I get it. And I encourage you to go on your way doing what you feel is the right thing to do. Keep reading, keep expanding your mind, and keep the hope that one day things will be alright. What I am proud of myself for so far is that I held on and kept working.

I want to thank you, too, for holding on. I know the feelings you’re experiencing right now are intense. I know you are confused and don’t understand how you are supposed to live your life. I know the misery is at easy dispense, while anything clear or bright feels far from reach. I can tell you this: you will soon find yourself on a journey that you had not imagined in your wildest dreams. The hint is in one of the books you are reading now. You will meet people that you had not dreamt you would ever meet, and you will join fun journeys together. I’ve been wanting to tell you that you are okay. You are loved by your parents, your friends (a few that you have), and people who are yet to come. You have a strong heart. Keep it up. And thanks a lot.

6.6.2025