March 2025 – Ralph with Coffee

M

March 28, 2025 RalphLeave a comment

Dear M, I am grateful for our run.

Jogging through the forest in full autumn foliage, we only chatted about the most mundane things,

but the bright smile, the lighthearted laugh, and the random jokes are what I remember to this day.

I made choices back then that I wish I had not made. In retrospect, had I been more courageous and honest, I may have avoided it. I am grateful for your strength, forgiveness, and resilience.

At times, I wonder if I have paid my dues. I sense it’s a lifelong responsibility, and I vow to be truthful to myself.

I will pass along the positivity and generosity you have shared with me. It would be a solace to see you smile again.

3.27.2025

Y

March 26, 2025 RalphLeave a comment

Dear Y, thank you for the 3 hours of memory.

When our 3-hour meeting was over,

in the morning after flying into the city,

I sat by a tiny jostling French franchise cafe,

staring out into normalcy of a suburban Spring,

realizing I may not see you again for a long long time (perhaps eternally long).

A burning realization shook me to my core. Should I have asked you to stay? It was just a few minutes ago—an alternate universe so palpable and vivid that it’s a somber reminder of utter solitude.

I walked through high-rises, museums, and the cemetery, and another question started to arise.

What is this burning sensation? Is it mutual? Is it pure, noble compassion, or is it a dark ball of yarn of obsession?

When my true colors arose, I could only acknowledge. I realized change was a necessity. To keep talking, running, and building is to keep the fire in my heart alive.

Thanks for showing me what staying true to yourself looks like. Thanks for walking away. Thanks for giving me a chance to look back at myself. Thanks for teaching me that I need to work, not just to survive but to keep dreaming, to keep loving, and to keep living.

3.25.2025

J

March 23, 2025 RalphLeave a comment

Dear J, you said, “dust to dust; Life is not enough to live for the sake of survival.”

So, if you ask me: “What is it you really want?”

My mind goes back to when I truly felt alive as myself years and years ago.

I want to dance with you slowly, to see your smile that spreads grace in my heart, and to hear the bursts of laughter crashing into my ears and reverberating at the same frequency as I make light fun of myself while teasing you a little.

In a soft and warm embrace, we slowly woke up from a sound sleep wrapped in a fresh and fluffy linen duvet, and the sunlight hit our forehead through the window from a cold winter blue sky in the morning. I want to cherish it a little longer.

I want to carry the silence at the rainy beach, the autumn mountain, and in the middle of the desert, a pasture and an ice field as I carry on with the repetition of daily life amidst bustling individuals and the rapid choreography we have scheduled.

Have I changed? Yes — inevitably, and as cliche as it can be, I did. The reason why I am here is to keep in mind what matters. To keep the promise I made a long time ago before I further turned into something unintended.

The house, the car, the dog, the cat, the flowers, the songs, the sun window, the shower, the photos, the parties, the food, the vacations, the clothes, the gadgets, the artworks, and the books, yes, all of them too. But most of all, let’s find the groove first.

3.22.2025

Confession

March 22, 2025 RalphLeave a comment

Hey, this is unedited, unprocessed, crude writing; bear this in mind as you read this.

I have been struggling to keep a promise that I had made a long time ago. Far long ago before I met you.

But I made the promise without knowing well enough about the world or myself.

I didn’t know what I wanted, who I was, or what I needed to do.

I blindly pursued things that I thought gave me a chance to see the light, what I thought was the right thing to do.

In the end, I learned that, even if you run as fast and long as you can, if you are still blinded, you will still be in the same place.

Now I see the path that I must take. It looks tough, but it also feels right. I can sense that my heart will be content at the end if I do this.

Before I go on, I want to address what happened to me. You may be disappointed about my result. But I am not viewing this as a failure. The result I have received was a part of a natural process I had to go through. Intuitively, and unconsciously, I think I sensed this was coming.

And even though I tried to undermine how important the time we spent together by happenchance was to me, I must acknowledge that it had built a sense of friendship, at least. I have grown a profound respect for your patience, insight, and wisdom.

I don’t want to get in your way, but I don’t want to disrespect this memory either. I promise I won’t cross the line.

Here is what I am working on: I am starting to walk the path that I had promised to walk before, and at the same time, I am building the foundation to contribute to the cause we both had agreed upon before.

That is to say, I haven’t given up on the research yet. I will find a way to return in a different capacity. Yes, I will have grown a few lines on my forehead, and I may be a few rows behind your seat. But this feels like the right thing to do, and I am excited to pursue this project.

I just wanted to let you know this.

3.21.2025