Providence, Rhode Island (Day 1) – June, 2024

In June 2024, I revisited New England, which I had left five years ago. After nine years of the dark and cold, it had felt like a good riddance then. But this time, my stay in Providence, Rhode Island, glistened brighter than any memory in a recent decade that I could recall. And I suspected it was thanks to my travel companion and the perfectly nice weather during my visit that made this trip shine.

Sunset over the Detroit Metropolitan Wayne County Airport during a layover

The primary purpose of the trip to New England was for an academic event. I flew from one of the southern states and arrived in the middle of the night. I took a Lyft ride from the T.F. Green International Airport. As we drove through the night, the Nigerian Lyft driver stressed the importance of trying Jollof, a type of sticky rice traditionally made in Nigeria. He inquired about academia and how his two teenage children can choose the right academic path. I had no answer for him, but I tried to give him as much information as possible. Eventually, his Lyft navigation app showed that he had arrived at the destination. He dropped me off at a location that just looked like the middle of a pedestrian street; there was no obvious door to a hotel or a motel. It was just a street with small commercial shops lined shoulder to shoulder. In fact, the location provided by an email from the hostel where I made a reservation said it was between a Dunkin Donuts and a vape smoke shop. Upon investigating the corners, I found a hidden glass door that led upstairs. Once I walked up the spiral stairs, I found a dorm-like hallway, one of which had the number of the apartment unit I had made the reservation for. I opened the lock with the passcode I received and entered the door.

A person sleeps on the doorsteps to the entrance between a smoke shop and a coffee shop

Upon walking into the apartment room, I was hit by a humid air steamed with wood furniture. The smell of wooden furniture immediately brought a flashback to the college dormitory years. I didn’t realize I missed this smell until I smelled it. It has been more than a decade since I entered that dorm, and the memory has not gone away.

The smell of this wooden desk & chair reminds me of college dorms

The bed was a queen-size bed made by putting two twin-size mattresses together. There was a therapist sofa, where you lie down with a tilted back bolstered by a cushion. The windows were covered in layers of white semi-transparent curtains, and two interesting oil paintings hung on the wall. I was too tired to care about the details. I spilled the contents from my luggage and found a toothbrush and a toothpaste, and walked to what I thought was a restroom. It was indeed a restroom, but a public one. One where you can clearly see if a dude is dropping poops into toilet through the gap in the door. Thankfully, there were multiple shower cubicles. I brushed my teeth and lay my head on the pillow. Alas, a young, budding DJ working night shift at the smoke shop decided it was the day he/she honed their beat-dropping skills. With a heavy woofer shaking the bed frame with odd-sounding beats, I tried to go to sleep.

Queen-size bed made with two twin-size beds

Day 1

I woke up early in the morning, undeterred by the private electronic dance music party I had been treated to all night long. I decided to find something to eat for breakfast. On Google Maps, I found Bagel Gourmet Ole (288 Thayer St.). The restaurant was filled with the aroma of freshly toasted bagels, and the kitchen was already bustling with workers who quietly beamed in the morning hustle. The morning cold air and the warmth of the kitchen reminded me of the sense of community and camaraderie shared among those who survive the brutally cold and dark weather of New England. There was no table, but customers came in and out religiously.

At Bagel Gourmet Ole, I got the cinnamon raisin bagel with cheese, which cost me $5.63 + tax + tip (I’d rate it 7/10)

Despite its hefty cost, the bagel was not enough for my appetite. I returned to my Google Map and found the East Side Pockets (278 Thayer St.), a Middle Eastern restaurant. As I lingered at the entrance, staring at three large panels of menus, I heard a call from the kitchen counter. A middle-aged bald man with a beer belly and a salt-and-pepper beard was holding out what looked like two fried balls. I sheepishly took them. I couldn’t let him keep holding them or risk throwing them away. And as soon as I bit into these dry, greasy fried balls of fish, I knew I had to order something from this restaurant. I was in too deep already. So I ordered a lamb shawarma, for the sake of the fond memory I had with the food in Tunisia.

At East Side Pockets, I ordered a lamb shawarma, which tasted okay, but had good quantity (I’d rate it 6/10)

The shawarma was not as fresh as the ones I remembered from Tunisia. But its hefty quantity gave me enough energy to face the first day of the academic workshop. Since I had a bit of time until the start of the first lecture, I decided to cut through the neighborhood.

What I appreciated about the neighborhood is its reserved but florid community. Since 1636, the neighborhood has been accumulating its history. Colonial-style apartments were part of the organic system with fauna and trees. If you can get used to walking steep uphill and downhill, it’s a walkable, petite town with an atmosphere of literary chic (you have to be there to know this means). Moreover, it connects to the Atlantic Ocean via the Providence River!

After a morning walk around Providence, I attended the workshop. After the seminar was over, I was asked to grab lunch at Harry’s Bar & Burger (121 N Main St.). Of course, I took up the offer. Unfortunately, I didn’t take any photos in this dive bar. I ordered (I think) Mother of All Burgers with sweet potato fries and a bottle of Heineken (I’d rate it 4/10). I remember (I think) that the beef batty was slightly burnt and dry, and the caramelized onions were sticky with molten American cheese. I was too busy talking about personal experiences and childhood memories. You’d be surprised at how quickly you can get to know me as a person in just a few minutes over a beer and a burger.

When we were done, we took a walk up the hill to digest the greasy food we had just consumed. We decided to walk upwards without giving it much thought. On the way uphill, we came across a fortress-like wall. On top of that fortress, we found a small park. It was the Prospect Terrance (60 Congdon St.).

Prospect Terrace looking over downtown Providence

From Prospect Terrace, I found a panoramic view looking over downtown Providence. Just in time, the sun was setting by the time we sat on the bench. When I was asked what I would do if I didn’t have to concern myself with research, I said I would become a philosopher. I was surprised by my own answer. I heard myself explaining that I was inspired by a book called Love & Free, written by Takahashi Ayumu, and that I’d be interested in traveling around the world and exploring the thoughts of various minds. In turn, my new work friend replied that she wants to become a professional pizza maker (It was at this moment that I realized I had taken the question too seriously). After completing my program, I said I am interested in leading a healthcare institution that serves the underserved community. How I would do it with a research degree, I did not know yet. We called it a day, and each of us walked back to our respective temporary lodgings.

One last look at the Prospect Terrace.

Maybe it was the beer and the greasy burger, but I felt glad to have visited Providence. The weather reminded me of the hard-boiled nine years of living in New England. The greasy dive bar, the salty air of the Atlantic Ocean, and the grace of the sunlight after a season of cold, dark months were what awakened long-dormant memories of living in New England. I remembered the long-forgotten walks, talks, and trips I had with friends in New England. I didn’t know I missed it until I came back.

It took me a while to fall asleep on this day. I wanted to linger a bit longer in the nostalgia. But it was time to go to sleep for another day, and I eventually hit the bed. Thankfully, the DJ downstairs decided to take a break from his side gig in electronic dance music. I took my window of opportunity and fell asleep.

I will continue the story with Day 2 in a separate post!

Dear 2007

You don’t know who I am, but I know who you are. I know your thoughts, secrets, and fears you hid from everyone. I know what you have done.

Don’t go running away just yet. I am here to talk, not to scold you. I just wanted to let you know it’s not your fault, the way others treated you, the way things fell apart, and the results you received.

If I recall correctly, in your classroom of about fifty students, a girl was sitting next to you. You liked her quite a lot. She had naturally dark brown hair that fell to her shoulders, unlike most of her black-haired peers. She was chubby and had a sharp end to her eyes. She wore gym clothes, a pink and black nylon jacket, all the time, and hid an earphone connected to an iPod beneath her long hair. She was only slightly shorter than you were, which was quite tall for most girls in your school. She had a lot of boys who knew her, did things in her own way, and did not feel sorry for herself, regardless of what others told her. She was quiet and melodic in person, but loud and bold in writing. She was slow to move, but her world within her mind moved at magnificent speed.

During the time you sat next to her, you had the time to get to know her well. Your interest in her grew as she shared with you her fascination with everything that has to do with English, the US hardcore rock music, and the fad anti-cultural movement. A few things I remember about her: a note in English shared among you, her, and two other boys, forming a group of music connoisseurs, rebelling against the society that you didn’t even know about; her printing out pages of helpful information in English about a dark religion from the internet asking you and the other two boys to join her; her scribbling the word “suicide” on her left inner forearm with a cutter knife. Life and death were at play in forming this relationship.

I will be honest. I think you were obsessed with her. I am sorry to be curt, but at this moment, I believe it’s better to state things as they are. The reason I say this is because you felt physically hurt to see an empty text message inbox after sending her a text hours ago. You gifted her a melted chocolate via another person on Valentine’s Day, which happened to coincide with your graduation date. Even she knew about it and asked if you had asked to deliver that chocolate to you. I remember you staring at the moon and asking for your soul to be released from the grasp of her alluring smile. The reason I am stating this outright, even as I cringe at how sentimental it sounds, is that I want you to feel okay.

I would say it is okay to acknowledge that you feel attracted to her. Human beings are naturally attracted to each other based on the biological and psychological characteristics of each other. Accepting that this is a natural phenomenon, much like hunger when you don’t eat or the urge to urinate after drinking a lot of water, might help you understand this mechanism. Yes, it can be unfortunate when only one person likes the other, but you can still be friends even when you feel an attraction to that person. If the other person is mature enough, you could let them know you are attracted to them, and still ask to maintain the friendship. If the other person takes advantage of that fact, it is unfortunate. In which case, you can move on. Letting another person know that you liked them might be helpful for you, as it allows you to be honest with yourself. Hiding it and suffering alone appears not to be the solution, from my experience so far.

I think you’ve been feeling quite alone because you haven’t had good friends at school for a while. You wanted to be around people who were like you. You wanted to be liked and accepted among your peers. You liked pleasure and wanted to cling to the intoxicating feeling of being respected and marveled by your peers. You wanted to be accepted unconditionally. She was good at pointing out your strengths and made you feel valued. But when it started to fade away because you didn’t focus on your coursework, you began to feel rejected by your peers. You could see that they were already organized, knew what they were after, and constructively created their path towards their future. Additional coursework they took, extracurricular activities they participated in, and study materials from specialized tutors reeked of classism. You grew jealous and resentful of the elites, even though you were one of them. You lamented and vowed to fight against the iron sky, above which the gifted danced and laughed. But I must ask you, isn’t your anger misplaced?

I can imagine an alternative scenario laid out for you. I can imagine you focusing on lifting weights, reading philosophy and fiction books that really interested you, and writing religiously could have built a fountain of joy within you. I can imagine that building your own world from yourself would have created enough space for others to join you in your journey. Instead of chasing after them and criticizing them for not measuring up to your expectations, you could build the kind of world that you wanted to live in. Instead of resisting what is already at play, you can find new opportunities and be creative. Focus your sight on the light, less on the dark abyss.

I understand how she could have been so alluring to you. She shared with you her story about her family secrets at the West sea, the philosophy training in the mountain, and her mother. You felt like she valued you when she shared her existential questions about the meaning of life on Earth, her taste in heavy metal music, and the chaotic yet beautiful world within her mind. She might have shown an interest in you because you had just returned from another world, and you, too, were seeing the world in your own unique way, which not many people were viewing at the time. And she might be right. I also think that you had a unique perspective that many people didn’t understand at the time.

Having lived this far, meeting people of various walks of life, and having thought a little bit, here’s my take: thank her. Thank her for her kindness and her understanding. Thank her also for the suffering she inflicted on your soul because you were magnetically attracted to her beauty. The suffering I endured then helped me mature and build stamina to be there when someone (i.e., one of my ex-girlfriends) needed me. It helped me have a compassionate heart and see the other person who is suffering. I was able to control myself better (well, at least not worse) when I met another person like her. Thank her for making your life more fragrant, colorful, and exciting. The girl you met has since married another person (I’m sorry to say), but she gave you a chance when you were dating someone else. She has become a different person, at least the last time I met her. I suspect that the part of her you used to know is still there. Thank her for the moment she shared with you.

I know I have been just talking from my side. You might say: “Old man, don’t tell me what to do. I know what I am doing, I hate your gut, and I am going to change my future so that I don’t become someone like you.” I get it. And I encourage you to go on your way doing what you feel is the right thing to do. Keep reading, keep expanding your mind, and keep the hope that one day things will be alright. What I am proud of myself for so far is that I held on and kept working.

I want to thank you, too, for holding on. I know the feelings you’re experiencing right now are intense. I know you are confused and don’t understand how you are supposed to live your life. I know the misery is at easy dispense, while anything clear or bright feels far from reach. I can tell you this: you will soon find yourself on a journey that you had not imagined in your wildest dreams. The hint is in one of the books you are reading now. You will meet people that you had not dreamt you would ever meet, and you will join fun journeys together. I’ve been wanting to tell you that you are okay. You are loved by your parents, your friends (a few that you have), and people who are yet to come. You have a strong heart. Keep it up. And thanks a lot.

6.6.2025

Writing

Like drawings on the beach sand,

what looked right looks not right

as my eyes glaze over traces of my writing.

As if reaching out to the image of myself

reflected on a pond water,

only for the image to disintegrate reverberating water surface,

writing for the perfect image felt like a mirage.

Yet again, we hoist our belt and trudge on with our keyboard.

One day, it will be captured in our mind.

5.28.2025

Writing

I started to write.

At first, it was awkward, like trying to cook without a recipe,

adding fancy ingredients, thinking it would make it look decent,

only to make it a chaotic mix of all colors.

But after the third or fourth try, it starts to ooze out.

Like bullets of sweat drops dripping in a sauna,

words are spilling out — the truer the words, the more addictive they become.

And when I looked up because I needed to drink and eat,

Hours had gone by, and I wanted to let out more.

It’s as though I’ve finally learned the meaning of words.

The construct of the world pieced together in mind,

more concrete than the grain of sand in my hand.

As I let go of fear — I started to see.

5.12.2025

Writing

mornings begins with a drizzle of cold coffee
gulping down with an almond milk
my mind submerged into a serene focus
words I had not known flows on my keyboard
hammering a period and flipping a sentence.
some say it’s a marathon, but I’d call it a sprint.
you give all you’ve got while you remember
your body weighs your mind down
and the time limit is up:
it’s time for lunch.
good luck on your next run of writing.

1.14.2023

Little dome

If you don’t have a place to call a home,​
write. writing will become your dome
world of your own,
it will be your a companion,
throne, may it not become.
son, you’ll know on day one
you were home all along.

만약, 집이라 부를 곳이 없다면
글을 적어라. 적는 것만이 너의 피난처일지니.
너만의 세계가 될 것이고
너만의 동반자가 될 것이지만
왕좌만이 되지 않길 바란다.
봐라, 언젠간 네가 깨닫는 날이 올 것이니.
너는 이미 집에 있다는 것을.

7.29.2022

Finishing line

have I done it?
have I made it to the finishing line?
or is this rather an illusion
for yet another revision?
I enjoy this journey; yes, I truly do
but I do crave for a good respite
to not having to gear up for a battle
with my laptop keyboard
to defend for my inspiration
just a tidbit rest, and I’ll be back to this game again
so if you could answer:
have I done it?

7.6.2022