Category: short essay

Confession

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Hey, this is unedited, unprocessed, crude writing; bear this in mind as you read this.

I have been struggling to keep a promise that I had made a long time ago. Far long ago before I met you.

But I made the promise without knowing well enough about the world or myself.

I didn’t know what I wanted, who I was, or what I needed to do.

I blindly pursued things that I thought gave me a chance to see the light, what I thought was the right thing to do.

In the end, I learned that, even if you run as fast and long as you can, if you are still blinded, you will still be in the same place.

Now I see the path that I must take. It looks tough, but it also feels right. I can sense that my heart will be content at the end if I do this.

Before I go on, I want to address what happened to me. You may be disappointed about my result. But I am not viewing this as a failure. The result I have received was a part of a natural process I had to go through. Intuitively, and unconsciously, I think I sensed this was coming.

And even though I tried to undermine how important the time we spent together by happenchance was to me, I must acknowledge that it had built a sense of friendship, at least. I have grown a profound respect for your patience, insight, and wisdom.

I don’t want to get in your way, but I don’t want to disrespect this memory either. I promise I won’t cross the line.

Here is what I am working on: I am starting to walk the path that I had promised to walk before, and at the same time, I am building the foundation to contribute to the cause we both had agreed upon before.

That is to say, I haven’t given up on the research yet. I will find a way to return in a different capacity. Yes, I will have grown a few lines on my forehead, and I may be a few rows behind your seat. But this feels like the right thing to do, and I am excited to pursue this project.

I just wanted to let you know this.

3.21.2025

Decisions

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We make decisions every day. But what’s the mechanism behind it?

Whether to get out of bed or lay down for 15 more minutes. Whether to cook scrambled eggs or have last night’s leftover curry. Whether to sit down in front of the computer and work on the project you’ve been mulling over for the past 10 years or just turn on the phone and flick through anxiety-inducing news articles. Big or small, we make decisions.

Continue reading “Decisions” →

Mitski – My Impression from 2019

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I remember listening to Mitski when I used to work at a hospital call center in 2019. The call center was located in the middle of a suburban New England neighborhood. I remember that next to a newly built flat office building was a forest with a walking path and a river that separated the forest from the vast green front yards of castle-like houses. I used to walk through that forest during my lunch break in fall, winter, and spring. I used to listen to music as I walked alongside the river. I remember listening to Mitski for the first time.

It was 2019. The work was hard, and I was focusing my energy and attention on my studies every day to get into medical school. When too many people call the call center, my ears get tired of listening to a person crying, shouting, and cursing. My mind would slowly get heated with too many details to remember and too many details to forget. Filled with pent-up anger, sadness, and fear, I would pull out my Airpods, step out of the office through a glass door into the crisp, fresh air, and walk into the forest.

Listening to Mitski’s voice, you feel camaraderie. Her voice is passionate, defiant, and unapologetic. She does not depend on others; she searches for meaning within herself, clawing through the chaotic path of soul-searching. It’s not for the glory, not for fame, not for recognition, not for love. But rather a burning desire to understand the origin of her burning desire for life. When you are walking down a dark hallway alone, seeing someone else walking by themselves in a long dark hallway gives you irresistible resilience. That’s what I got from Mitski. We may be insignificantly small, but we have a burning desire for a lived experience. To get there, we will exhaust whatever we can. And when we look back, we will have no regrets.

4.23.2024

Photos

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take photos.
I recommend it.
you get to see the evidence
that you have survived through it all:
happiness, sadness, good and bad.
you’ll root for your past self to smile more
and less be angry or sad.
in spite of all the philosophies and rules,
in a way, principles and values are there
to make you happy, I think.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to live a bright and warmer life.

3.21.2023