Blazing coal

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Perhaps you’ve known already.

That we aren’t meant for lofty breeze,

Rather a summer night of radicals

That call forth what laid in our bloods.

Howling of lunatics aren’t sharp enough

For in silence, action implodes in speed

No motion needs no proof or cause.

For in this moment, nothing else,

But we live only.

9.16.2019

New Beginning

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I’ve been studying MCAT to get into medical school. With my age, most of my friends have already graduated from medical school. They have started a residency. I am still a premed.

Last year, when I forgot to bring my passport to the MCAT test site, I vowed to myself that I would never walk the path of medical school again. I was just so upset with myself for having to try again and fail over and over again. I saw myself falling into depression, anxiety, and lower my self-esteem as I pushed myself through the grind. I didn’t like what I am nor where I was headed to. I had to reevaluate what I truly enjoy.

But there is a reason why I hesitate so much before taking that first step away from becoming a medical doctor: am I quitting because it is too hard?

I would like to believe that it is for a greater cause, that I have given my best try at it, and that I am looking for something that I would truly enjoy, not just for the sake of keeping my words, but for what my heart truly pulls me toward.

Surprisingly, now that I am trying to find what I truly enjoy, I could barely identify them. While I studied for MCAT, I had kept a list of things I wanted to do once the exam was over. There were specific places I was going to go to. I wanted to make a poetry book. I wanted to read hundreds of books.

One of the projects that I have discussed about with my friend in Flushing, Queens was to start learning machine learning.

I know not a single code to write. However, I liked the idea of machine learning. I liked that it was new, I liked that it could be a way of better understanding AI. Although I am very behind the game, I wanted to explore it. I could somehow see that my field experience and machine learning could pair well together.

For now, however, it feels very awkward. I feel like I am fooling around with my precious after-work time. I worry about whether I can meet a girl to date. I worry about whether I can progress in my work in order to get into a better position. I worry about whether other people think I am worthy of their respect or not. It feels quite lonely to try to work my way towards the top. What is there at the top anyways? Freedom? Happiness? Meaningfulness?

The only way to find out is to give it a try. I know I won’t be able to fully rest in my death bed without giving it a try.

 

KRK 9.16.2019

Silhouettes

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Once actors play a showcase,

A quietest of quiet silence cannot resist

The illusions from arising

Behind the irises.

So when the silence last enough,

Truly smallest actor will arise

Out of abyss, towards the eternity

Laughing and slaughtering nonsense.

Today, mmmm today,

It is going to get going

9.12.2019

Autumn

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In a middle of deadly quiet and white winter,

Spring whispered its warmth into cinders,

Stoking an awakening into consciousness,

Smoking the flickers of lustful life into wilderness.

Then the summer came,

With a whirlwind of bombastic laughter, serene tear-shedding, and a shot gun picnics into greeneries,

Cinematic crimson feather clouds floating loftily above the guardless heads,

And a steaming magmatic energy exuded by every loving living beings under the sun,

Stepping into the Autumn,

Hardened skins wizened with crevices of scars, ones which have bled once.

Eyes softened with glows of exploding young stars,

Voice resounded from deep within from a well of soul that dug itself deeper inside.

Autumn, autumn is here.

9.10.2019

Swollen Blossoms

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Perhaps it’s that time of the year,

Bees dancing in an infinite loop,

Heaps of fortunes thrown into hoops,

Laughters and chantings, greetings,

And swearings, all blossoming from roots.

Ah, it must be that time of the year

My feet are grounded deep into the groove,

Petals of flowers prance around loose

Perhaps gust of wind’ll knock on window

Perhaps sun’ll be the only witness you are right.

9.9.2019

A Thousand Mirrors

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Stumbled upon a two mirrors,

and I found myself in between a thousand doors.

It took a thousand of years to go through the gates.

 

Stubbornly, I got out.

 

I asked for a rewards, but it was deadly quiet.

All I could do was to walk a little bit more.

Then I realized the doors were the prize.

 

I then hoped.

 

I hoped to see your smile and my smile to last just a bit longer.

 

9.7.2019