Tag: life

New Beginning

RalphLeave a comment

I’ve been studying MCAT to get into medical school. With my age, most of my friends have already graduated from medical school. They have started a residency. I am still a premed.

Last year, when I forgot to bring my passport to the MCAT test site, I vowed to myself that I would never walk the path of medical school again. I was just so upset with myself for having to try again and fail over and over again. I saw myself falling into depression, anxiety, and lower my self-esteem as I pushed myself through the grind. I didn’t like what I am nor where I was headed to. I had to reevaluate what I truly enjoy.

But there is a reason why I hesitate so much before taking that first step away from becoming a medical doctor: am I quitting because it is too hard?

I would like to believe that it is for a greater cause, that I have given my best try at it, and that I am looking for something that I would truly enjoy, not just for the sake of keeping my words, but for what my heart truly pulls me toward.

Surprisingly, now that I am trying to find what I truly enjoy, I could barely identify them. While I studied for MCAT, I had kept a list of things I wanted to do once the exam was over. There were specific places I was going to go to. I wanted to make a poetry book. I wanted to read hundreds of books.

One of the projects that I have discussed about with my friend in Flushing, Queens was to start learning machine learning.

I know not a single code to write. However, I liked the idea of machine learning. I liked that it was new, I liked that it could be a way of better understanding AI. Although I am very behind the game, I wanted to explore it. I could somehow see that my field experience and machine learning could pair well together.

For now, however, it feels very awkward. I feel like I am fooling around with my precious after-work time. I worry about whether I can meet a girl to date. I worry about whether I can progress in my work in order to get into a better position. I worry about whether other people think I am worthy of their respect or not. It feels quite lonely to try to work my way towards the top. What is there at the top anyways? Freedom? Happiness? Meaningfulness?

The only way to find out is to give it a try. I know I won’t be able to fully rest in my death bed without giving it a try.

 

KRK 9.16.2019

Autumn

RalphLeave a comment

In a middle of deadly quiet and white winter,

Spring whispered its warmth into cinders,

Stoking an awakening into consciousness,

Smoking the flickers of lustful life into wilderness.

Then the summer came,

With a whirlwind of bombastic laughter, serene tear-shedding, and a shot gun picnics into greeneries,

Cinematic crimson feather clouds floating loftily above the guardless heads,

And a steaming magmatic energy exuded by every loving living beings under the sun,

Stepping into the Autumn,

Hardened skins wizened with crevices of scars, ones which have bled once.

Eyes softened with glows of exploding young stars,

Voice resounded from deep within from a well of soul that dug itself deeper inside.

Autumn, autumn is here.

9.10.2019

A Thousand Mirrors

RalphLeave a comment

Stumbled upon a two mirrors,

and I found myself in between a thousand doors.

It took a thousand of years to go through the gates.

 

Stubbornly, I got out.

 

I asked for a rewards, but it was deadly quiet.

All I could do was to walk a little bit more.

Then I realized the doors were the prize.

 

I then hoped.

 

I hoped to see your smile and my smile to last just a bit longer.

 

9.7.2019

 

 

White

RalphLeave a comment

I glanced at my hands,

Skin is thicker than I remember,

Bones hardened with blows I endured more than I can bear.

Bittersweet wrinkles are the ones that stare back at me now.

Crimson sun rising beyond dark blue sky reminds me again: it ain’t over yet.

Perhaps I’d need to tear off this white shirt

Run with bear feet a thousand mile

And shout with wills of the thousands that passed out behind me

I am here!

8.1.2019

Sword

RalphLeave a comment

Stranger, hold on to that vine, you are

Stronger than you believe, a

Soldier of resilience and unquestionable triumphs.

Whirlwind spins around you faster and

World blinks and turns and

Whiplashes blindspots impassive and strong

Real man holds it in, they said.

Still, have you seen these tears?

Here, hold on to your dream, my dear.

7.31.2019

Lava

RalphLeave a comment

Try hold on to this pure gold lava,

steaming with vigorous heat energy,

Like a baby dragon scrambling to get out of

A soft, sturdy rock shell.

Pain seems to be a constant reminder that

Life is limited and comfort is overrated.

Pain is the reason I focus and the ask for the reason why I sing and dream,

Dreaming of the freedom

7.29.2019

Dung

RalphLeave a comment

Let me be a dung,

I will be the best dung in the world

I will bring forth bubbly flowers and waves of green leaves

Clear sky of breezy summer day light and a cool dusky evening.

Let me be a dung,

I may be soft and stink; but I will lift you up

I may be brittle, but I will be warm.

I may be crusty, but I will protect you from wild animals.

I will be the best dung in the world, for I love the world.

7.28.2019

Justice

RalphLeave a comment

I am holding on,

Holding on because of the truth,

Truth that told me I will be justified

In a moment’s notice

I am holding on,

When everything’s spinning in a carousel

Unfamiliar wounds are building up,

I am smiling, for this, too, shall pass.

I am holding on,

No, I am changing my life, for nothing will come for a rescue or redemption

Hammering my way, building a house; a world of my consciousness.

I am holding on,

I am holding on to a hot leash of this world.

7.27.2019