Photos

take photos.
I recommend it.
you get to see the evidence
that you have survived through it all:
happiness, sadness, good and bad.
you’ll root for your past self to smile more
and less be angry or sad.
in spite of all the philosophies and rules,
in a way, principles and values are there
to make you happy, I think.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to live a bright and warmer life.

3.21.2023

Humor

I laughed, because it was so sad;
I don’t know how else to deal with it.
bone-crashing depression is an oxymoron
but it hurts real bad, so you laugh to lift it up
it’s truly funny sometimes, how the life goes.
I am just grateful I can laugh with people I love.
I am humbled by their openness to accept my jokes.
that’s where I find the courage
to look forward to the future unknown.

2.17.2023

Past

sometimes I want to grab my past
and shout: “take me back”
I want to breath the fresh crisp air,
bask under the glistening gold sunlight
I see in my dreams in my dark night
I want to feel the levity of life
as if every day was a surprise playtime
if I see my past self in the mirror
sometimes I want to grab my past
and shout: “take me back”
but it’s the darkness that stares back at me
and I, staring back at the darkness.

2.3.2023

Teacher – (10 min)

prompt: a mentor or a teacher during a tumultuous adolescent years

I stared him straight in the eye and asked him: how do you get by when you have so much challenge? He didn’t say anything for a while. And then he said: “just ask for help.”

Mr. T was my homeroom teacher when I was in high school. Having moved from a different country, I was still unfamiliar with how the American school worked. I pretended to fit in, but probably most kids already knew that I did not fit in.

At that time, I think I was tormented by some thoughts. In retrospect, I suspect it was loneliness. It is not surprising that loneliness had such a strong grip on me at the time. I was isolated at home from the world outside that seemed too different from me. The language they spoke, the way they looked, and their culture were all different from what I was used to. The difference hurt. Just being exposed in the air at sight was a threat. A few seconds in exposure, and then you are followed with curious eyes catching every little move that you make. At an age where relationships with fellow students matter the most, it was a challenging place to be.

Besides a few things, I mostly stayed indoors, often watching tv shows or movies. I wasn’t the friendliest person to hang out with at school. I often felt inappropriate, awkward, and ashamed. I recall many instances of awkward interactions with my peers. I agonized over what others had said, worried about what others might think of me while trying to control myself, which seemed to be overstimulated by the internal chemical influx.

So it is surprising to remember this vivid interaction I had with Mr. T. It was an earnest question: “what do you do when you are in such a tragic situation?” I don’t remember what drove me to ask Mr. T such a question. I remember standing in the middle of the vast green grass of the soccer field (“football,” as Mr. C called it) that leads to the parking lot on the opposite side of the school. I remember tears welling up in my eyes as I asked the question. I remember feeling that somehow the world has done an injustice to a person, who has done nothing wrong, but there is nothing much to do. Although I recall being told by my mom that he was a Vietnam veteran and that he had to leave school for a cancer treatment that won’t be covered by his insurance because he had taken a pause for a bit, I don’t know if that had to do with my question then. It might have been something else.

I remember the calm in his voice and in his expression as he replied to me, who, at the time, was emotionally disturbed. I remember his peaceful facial expression as he simply listened to my question. He paused a little and said: “just ask: ‘help.'”

He silently stared at me with a thin smile, patted my shoulder, and started to walk across a wide, empty green field toward the garage. I believe it was the last time I saw him. To this day, I remember his calm, stoic, and peaceful blue sky on that day.

Airport – (10 min)

Prompt: an airport is a place of physical transportation but also memories

Tall palm trees were the first thing that could be seen through a wide rectangular window in the international airport in Hawaii. Seeing the palm tree makes you realize you are on a tropical island. Suddenly, you feel as though you can smell the sweetness of the dates in the palm trees, the saltiness of the ocean beach, and the gentle breeze sweeping over a green pasture.

The sensation was triggered by a memory of 15 years ago when the man left the island as a teenage boy. As if time had not passed, the man in his late 20s felt he had traveled back to his childhood. With it, a sense of loneliness leaked in.

Holding it back, the man gripped his two large travel carriages, dragging them along with him to a bus station. The bus refused to carry his large luggage. Flabbergasted, he called an Uber. A younger Filipino Uber driver explained to him rather depressingly that Hawaii had recently been plagued with homelessness and drug additions. He was attending a college, studying criminology. The man asked him what he wanted to become. The driver replied it was hard to get a job on this island.

Getting off the Uber, he arrived in front of a university building where he was about to stay for the next two days. It looked much smaller than he had remembered. The humidity, the breeze, and the blazing sun reminded him that this was where he had spent his childhood.

Yet, the people he had lived it with were not there anymore. His friends, his mother, and his brother were not there. He was alone, a stranger to a place he once called home, a place he had dreamed of returning to. To the locals there, he was just another tourist from the mainland with a head filled with inflated utopian fantasy. They were used to people like this. They treated these people like chewed gums; they had tried them before and had seen what came out of them.

The man checked into the building and nervously walked through the hallways. It was much more cramped than he remembered. Everything was much older and worn than he had remembered. Not even basic amenities were there; no soap, toilet paper, or drinking water.

The man left the building, leaving his luggage behind, searching for water and soap. The street he had walked was still there. He wondered if the concrete were the same as he had walked on as a child. Fifteen years have passed. He doubted they remained the same.

Loneliness crept in further and further. The more he found childhood remnants, the more he remembered the warmth that he had felt then, and the more distinctly, he realized how alone he was now. He wanted to talk to the ghosts of his memories, but there was no response. No one spoke to him. It was only him and the road.

He continued to walk. He arrived at a beach. The sun was setting in a pink-purple hue. Occasional waves were gently crashing onto the shore. The man sat on the sand dune and stared at the sky. Tiny airplanes were making their way in and out of the island.

It’s those tiny airplanes that transported him magically to this place dwelling in his memory. Fifteen years have passed. Sweet things had happened, bitter things had happened, and nonetheless, the memory had remained the same.

Leaving the airport, he felt a closure. Witnessing what he remembered was still there gave him the courage to get out there again. Perhaps he could return to this place after another 15 years. He wondered what it would feel like then. Would it be happiness and gratitude instead of loneliness and bitterness he felt this time? He turned away from the window and walked through the gates.

Memories

clicking through photos of my past,
seeing familiar faces un-aged,
it’s like a thousand ice shards
showering on my chest
did we know then?
that we’d be like this now?
our youthful days,
fearless summers,
marched on courageously,
eventually, into thin air,
and all that is left are these photos.
new youthful faces,
blossoming in places
we used to be;
I am glad for them.
I want them to march on.
I want them to carry their dreams.
I want them to protect their heart,
and carry on with the fire.
the fire we all shared,
the fire we all cherished,
the fire that was brightest of all.
if you know,
just how my heart became alive
with the fire in my heart,
I hope you know how precious it is.
And if I may have any drop of energy
to lend you a hand to protect it
take it. use it. move on.
I’d be a happy soul.

12.21.2022

Dimensions

it’s as if traveling multiple world at once
the scent of lamb barbecue
the smirk as the hand picks an orange from a tree
the crease around the eye against the sunset
the lukewarm orange street light
under the silent purple-grey cloudy sky
as sweet cherry blossoms scatter & float in air
a pair of kittens under a luminescent advertisement
the unforgiving sun,
the waist high snow plow
all is remembered
so vividly,
simultaneously
felt.
it’s
a lonely walk
through
this
universe.

12.12.2022

Growing

you don’t want to be in a bubble
but you also don’t want to be in an eye of a hurricane
all criticisms, admonishment, and yelling
I know they come from a good place
and I don’t have any grudges against you
but I wonder
if I started to like myself a little less
when I am yelled at for what I have done
when I am given a silent treatment for failing
I fought my way through,
and I am not sure what I was fighting against
was it the world
or was it myself?
still, I don’t want to be in a bubble
safely protected from all harms way
I want to grow
a story of truth, humanity, and adventure.

10.17.2022